you said forever...

reading over past work is interesting. so is catching up with an old friend. so is seeing someone you have seen sporadically, but intensely over many years. i did all the above in the past 24 hours. on thursday we had our suicide training, which was provided by an amazing man who organizes and operates the local suicide hotline here in the bay. it was fantastic.

whilest perusing and trolling my own myspace blog page, i came across some of my old work that was quite intense. nearly two winters ago, i was in what would have been the second semester of my grad program. instead, i was working afternoons at my former place of employment, and working out in the gym ~ 3 hours a day. i'd come home, and get high and write just incredibly articulate, tormented blogs articulating the struggles i was facing. in reading that material now, i find myself taken back to former times, when maslow's top needs were my upmost concern.

now, i live a life barely engaging any form of "actualization." rather, my basic needs barely met, i numb myself with alcohol. my pothead days seem to be beyond me, and i even gave up cigarettes. a new goal, then is to get a handle on this drinking business.

1 corinthians 13:

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

dulling reality with weed is one thing. getting your buzz on- even on the daily is one thing. blacking out, and waking up with only questions and no answers- is some bullshit!

a stark difference in my life right now compared to then is the lack of me cooking, and the lack of me going to the gym. i feel so unhealthy right now. two years ago i had my yoga on, and was getting really flexible. as i flirt with stability for the first time in approximately 3 or 4 years i begin to think about goals.

it's sinking in that i will be 30 in a few short months. and that victor will be 29 on the 28th. what an old man!

were i my own client doing ACT, i would start focusing on the values piece. i would also use motivational interviewing to get her to make a goal to "not black out." and to "get healthy." and to "work out regularly." with these three goals established, the inevitable examination of her substance abuse issues would need to be brought to the forefront. a behavioral therapist would be pretty stoked that while one goal is to decrease alcohol which is clearly related to a lack of better coping mechanisms, another goal is to work out. working out is a fantastic coping strategy, and an antidepressant, and anxiolytic in and of itself. and even more- working out, being fit, being a weight lifter, runner, etc. are all pieces of this particular client's old sense of identity- of which she feels lacking. having developed three clear goals, i would then utilize behavioral activation to get her on her feet, and moving in the 'direction of her values' per ACT. some daily affirmations never hurt anybody, either. once she has some clear stabilizing mechanisms, perhaps we can begin to address the trauma...

anyway, i love my new nerdy ass tattoo. and i'm welcoming fall. it got cold this morning, it was fantastic. it's going to be a strange transition with grant moving in, and amanda moving out. but transitions are my middle name.

and now, a recipe because it's been a minute.

1 can cheap vegetarian refried beans
4 eggs
1/2 can corn
splooge of oil
a few cubes cut off of amanda's garlic cheese

heat up the oil, crack the eggs (one of mine was twins, it was crazy), get them mostly cooked, dump the beans on top. make sure the eggs get cooked all the way. dump corn on top. add cubes of cheese. put onto a plate.

add (optional)
splooge of light sour cream
several dashes of tapatia

= delicious vegetarian plus protein goodness.

fuck, i need to get my truck so it can get fixed already. but nobody is here. hmmm

i'm really looking forward to my dirty thirties.

i'm gonna be uploading old blogs as i can. i'm afraid i might have lost several years of blogs, along with most of my college work with my big comp. (command central for those who might remember.) i hope not. i lost all my community college work that my brother deleted on my old home computer.

everything ends, and at some point all is lost. selah. wtf, who cares!

xo