Posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
100% on pharm quiz, and more.
when you have a chaotic life, people react to the chaos. some people experience pain and inflict it on others- i have been a person who struggles with this in the form of irritability associated with anxiety. whether contained to road rage, or the occasional screaming at my cat, usually i succeed in behaving appropriately. except when i don't. work is stressful for me, and i was irritable there, and that created an open for them to discuss my fall placement for next year.
this is what it means to "lean out." and, following conversations with my therapist this morning, and gwen last night, probably for the better. two people who have my best interest in mind and always have refer to my work environment as "toxic," which i might fight against were it for the feelings in my heart. every bit of that job, save my kids and a few bright souls, drain the life from me, and rip open wounds never healed.
it is the effervescent lemon being squeezed into my cuts and scabs. and for why? because of love. and a naive heart, a servant's heart ripped out and capitalized on. but that of course, is what capitalists' do. sit up atop their power and find profit on the tears of the weak. if those who suffer voice their pain, they will surely be blamed for it, and ultimately, if someone weaker, easier to control can replace that person, all the better.
and when i'm thriving, i'll remember. i'll wave goodbye and be grateful for what they taught me. they taught me how to love fully and completely, and how to fully suffer. they taught me to discriminate in the type of people i associate with, and mostly they taught me when to leave them all behind.
this is what it means to "lean out." and, following conversations with my therapist this morning, and gwen last night, probably for the better. two people who have my best interest in mind and always have refer to my work environment as "toxic," which i might fight against were it for the feelings in my heart. every bit of that job, save my kids and a few bright souls, drain the life from me, and rip open wounds never healed.
it is the effervescent lemon being squeezed into my cuts and scabs. and for why? because of love. and a naive heart, a servant's heart ripped out and capitalized on. but that of course, is what capitalists' do. sit up atop their power and find profit on the tears of the weak. if those who suffer voice their pain, they will surely be blamed for it, and ultimately, if someone weaker, easier to control can replace that person, all the better.
and when i'm thriving, i'll remember. i'll wave goodbye and be grateful for what they taught me. they taught me how to love fully and completely, and how to fully suffer. they taught me to discriminate in the type of people i associate with, and mostly they taught me when to leave them all behind.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
drug quiz, pharm...
last week i studied aided with wonderful boy smell. this week, my cat is taking a dump in the cat box. but of the two i know which i can trust. (not that that aids to non-avoidance behaviors.) where is my inhaler? i don't know if it is exactly asthma or what. i got pneumonia when i was 15 and my lungs act up ever since. my smoking habit does not help, i'd wager... anyway, worked that out, and coffee's on. i feel very avoidant about this quiz, and basically about this week for school. my wad feels blown, i don't even care if i go out, i just feel like staying home. i guess i do know what it's about.
and, noticing those thoughts and feelings, the quiz studying commences.
ABILIFY = aripiprazole
ZYPREXA = olanzapine
CLOZARIL = clozapine
SEROQUEL = quetiapine
RISPERDAL = risperidone
GEODON = ziprasidone
INVEGA = paliperidone
which concludes our atypical antipsychotics...
to the rest of the stack. which me luck.
and, noticing those thoughts and feelings, the quiz studying commences.
ABILIFY = aripiprazole
ZYPREXA = olanzapine
CLOZARIL = clozapine
SEROQUEL = quetiapine
RISPERDAL = risperidone
GEODON = ziprasidone
INVEGA = paliperidone
which concludes our atypical antipsychotics...
to the rest of the stack. which me luck.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
to blog or not to blog?
first, where's my hat? the former question i asked once upon an former life. my friend emarie said, blog if you feel you have something important to say. back then the things i felt needed to be said involved the state of how many souls were damned in the universe, and manipulative flirtations attempting to gain as many people as i could over to my side of the fence. all in good intentions, of course. i had every answer to every question, a comfort for every pain, save one. one big one. that whole, most everyone is going to hell thing.
now we fast forward a few years and here i am, damned. swimming willingly in a sea of sins, having waded through the numb of addiction, and now just experimenting with this whole concept of the "game." as a tortured realist reared in isolation, i am always quite excited to truly connect to another human being. and following a lifetime of separation, followed by eight years of marriage, my entrance to the real world stripped of the only values i'd ever known has been rather... interesting.
i think in music and lyrics, and i sing and i write and i am hard. and soft, and i struggle.
and now, it's time for flashcards. as i avoid a paper, i will hate myself for typing these words to this invisible audience, then i remember the prayers i sent to an empty heaven, toward a great void in the sky and i think, i really always did live for an audience of one.
night wIggy
now we fast forward a few years and here i am, damned. swimming willingly in a sea of sins, having waded through the numb of addiction, and now just experimenting with this whole concept of the "game." as a tortured realist reared in isolation, i am always quite excited to truly connect to another human being. and following a lifetime of separation, followed by eight years of marriage, my entrance to the real world stripped of the only values i'd ever known has been rather... interesting.
i think in music and lyrics, and i sing and i write and i am hard. and soft, and i struggle.
and now, it's time for flashcards. as i avoid a paper, i will hate myself for typing these words to this invisible audience, then i remember the prayers i sent to an empty heaven, toward a great void in the sky and i think, i really always did live for an audience of one.
night wIggy
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