freud argued that there are no accidents.

but what the fuck does that mean? a quote from freud about secrets that i love:

He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of every pore.

cheaters gotta cheat, and haters gotta hate. the bible says your sin will find you out. some people believe in fate, some people believe in karma. some people believe in reinforcement, in people utilizing repertoires based on their learning history. and i say, whatever.

what is worse in the psychological spectrum? some might argue psychosis. a divorce from reality such that one's very own thoughts are suspect. belief systems held dearly become delusions, and real live phenomena become hallucinations, when one cannot even believe their very eyes.

some might argue the highs and lows of bipolar. ecstasy becomes irritability, becomes a crash so low into something that some might also consider the worst possible thing.

depression, bloody depression. anhedonia becomes the standard, as joy takes leave. gone are the vibrant colors, the taste of food, and walking to class feels more exhausting than the 15 mile hikes once loved...

some might say, fuck you emo ass bitches. poverty is the most heinous psychological ail... what does poverty have to to with mental health? maslow's hierarchy of needs, people. i'm sure a person can be mentally fit so to speak and living in poverty, but if that's true then good on them...

then there is the joy of addiction. up, down, in between, anything to cover this pain, to dull this throbbing brainstorm...

maybe anxiety is the mistress. chasing dragons of to-do lists, perfectionism, calorie-counting, empowered, perfect living. organic, drinking enough water, practicing yoga, and being everything i was once, and everything i could be...

and for what? and with who?

what creates pain, what is the worst pain, what is the good life, what makes any of it worth it? this was the question i posited to my counselor around this time last year at sjsu.

the same answer remains: WE CANNOT KNOW.

it is what it is, people are what they are, i am who i am, and that's it.

i'm nine days into my double-spiral fractured ankle. i've never broken a bone before and decided i might as well crack my ankle twice if i was going for it. physical pain is whatever to me. although i did cry when they had me straighten my heel and push my knee over my toes to put the cast on 24 hours after the break. that was some bullshit.

psychological pain is whatever, too. don't get me wrong, i'm a giant pussy, and if i am not distracted by a crowd, booze, or both, i am generally unhappy. i may be in a biased frame of mind right now, i have many moments of passionate joy, but feeling helpless and dependent is getting to me.

stairs suck, pity sucks, sarcasm can suck, and i fucking suck. but i'm trying.

i'm looking forward to a new living arrangement for a year. i have no idea where i'll be in 12 months. i never do.

getting hurt brings perspective. and i love my friends, and i would be lost without their help and compassion. but it's hard to not feel very alone.

i miss victor...

i hope i can do it. i hope someday i can get out of the break and surf the waves again... i can handle wiping out, trust me, i can. but this incessant keeping my head barely above water is exhausting me, and hardening me.

jesus christ, this is why i didn't want to keep living alone. my beautiful grant just got home and will distract me now with alcohol and movies. i just might turn into a giant homebody soon, people...

once i have a home.