Posts
W.H. Auden - The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total darkness sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
1957
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
valentine's day playlist.
here's the top ten off the top of my head representing that crazy thing love, and its flipside- anguish.
1. can't let go- mariah carey.
i think this might be the first song i ever "experienced" emotionally as a young pup.
didn't i cherish you right
don't you know
you were my life
2. make you feel my love- adele
this song is the perfect example of why i am not quick to fall in love these days. because once i do fall- i fall fully.
when the evening shadows and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
i would hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love
3. ex factor- lauryn hill
when love is not enough.
tell me who i have to be
to get some reciprocity?
4. no woman no cry- bob marley
(self-explanatory.) because everything really is gonna be alright.
in this great future
you can't forget your past
so dry your tears i say
5. song cry- jayz
gave me perspective on how it might feel to be the one who left but must still remember.
they say once a good girl's gone bad
she's gone forever.
i'll mourn forever
shit, i got to live with the fact that i did you wrong forever
6. i'm no good- amy winehouse
and then i developed perspective on what it means to be the one who mourns forever...
there'll be none of him no more
i cried for you on the kitchen floor
7. sleep to dream- fiona apple
at some point, one finds the value in herself.
this mind
this body
and this voice
cannot be stifled
by your deviant ways
8. half crazy- musiq soulchild
sometimes friendships should remain at that.
lately i got to watch what i say
cuz you take things personal nowadays
you used to laugh
now you get mad
damn, i just want my friend back
9. how do i- leann rimes
this song was/is the song of grieving me and my husband's break up.
without you
there would be no sun in my sky
there would be no love in my life
there would be no world left for me
and i
baby i don't know what i would do
i'd be lost if i lost you
if you ever leave
baby you would take away everything real
in my life
10. trenchtown rock- sublime
because no matter how much pain the world hurls at me, music has ever seen me through, comforted me, helped me rage, and given me a reason to live.
one good thing about music
when it hits you
you feel no pain
1. can't let go- mariah carey.
i think this might be the first song i ever "experienced" emotionally as a young pup.
didn't i cherish you right
don't you know
you were my life
2. make you feel my love- adele
this song is the perfect example of why i am not quick to fall in love these days. because once i do fall- i fall fully.
when the evening shadows and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
i would hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love
3. ex factor- lauryn hill
when love is not enough.
tell me who i have to be
to get some reciprocity?
4. no woman no cry- bob marley
(self-explanatory.) because everything really is gonna be alright.
in this great future
you can't forget your past
so dry your tears i say
5. song cry- jayz
gave me perspective on how it might feel to be the one who left but must still remember.
they say once a good girl's gone bad
she's gone forever.
i'll mourn forever
shit, i got to live with the fact that i did you wrong forever
6. i'm no good- amy winehouse
and then i developed perspective on what it means to be the one who mourns forever...
there'll be none of him no more
i cried for you on the kitchen floor
7. sleep to dream- fiona apple
at some point, one finds the value in herself.
this mind
this body
and this voice
cannot be stifled
by your deviant ways
8. half crazy- musiq soulchild
sometimes friendships should remain at that.
lately i got to watch what i say
cuz you take things personal nowadays
you used to laugh
now you get mad
damn, i just want my friend back
9. how do i- leann rimes
this song was/is the song of grieving me and my husband's break up.
without you
there would be no sun in my sky
there would be no love in my life
there would be no world left for me
and i
baby i don't know what i would do
i'd be lost if i lost you
if you ever leave
baby you would take away everything real
in my life
10. trenchtown rock- sublime
because no matter how much pain the world hurls at me, music has ever seen me through, comforted me, helped me rage, and given me a reason to live.
one good thing about music
when it hits you
you feel no pain
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
swooped from my myspace page: wrote this at the stag ~ a year ago...
Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains.
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Aloha. I am the product of a home-schooled, right-wing conservative family, reared in isolation with my older brother and an assortment of pets, mostly cats. I attended grades 2-5, and was in independent studies through the San Jose Unified School District for grades 6-12. I made friends through my church youth group, including a best friend, Emma, who later married my brother, Jonathan. Jonathan and Emma reside with my parents to this day. I was able to engage socially for a period of time through my youth group from the age of ~ 14 to the age of ~ 15 when I was singled out by the pastor of our former church of nine years due to "political" reasons in which the senior pastors wanted my family to leave. my family decided to leave the church after my youth pastor called me personally to make me aware that my high school girl gossip was a "tool of satan."
I had my first panic attack when we left that church, and everything that finally felt like Home to me. I spent the majority of my adolescence hanging out with my brother, whom I have always shared a strained relationship with. When my brother and Emma became romantically involved I removed myself from my last relationship with a peer, and my best friend perhaps of all time, my beloved Emma. In my isolation I turned dark very quickly, and after so long, I was put in Christian therapy with a sweet man with very sincere, albeit Christian values. I was told I was loved by God, that I should pray, read the bible more, and of course, forgive. I did these things, and eventually decided I should have friends again, and enrolled myself at Central County Occupational Center (CCOC). I took Macintosh Business Communications. I made some friends fairly soon, and was the only person to cross every racial and "cliqual" barrier, because I have always loved people, regardless.
I went to my first party with friends for Superbowl Sunday of 1997. I had just turned seventeen. That day I met Victor. We became a couple July 4 of that year. He had clear braces. We dated until I was nineteen. I had to get married due to my religious beliefs and cultural tradition in my family. We broke up. I didn't eat for eleven days. I was married before I turned 21, to the neighbor boy down the street, Ferdinand. He was, and continues to be, a sweet and intelligent man who is a product of a life of his own. We were married to complicated circumstances for five years in which we engaged in a wonderful life, that felt more like roommates than lovers for a variety of tragic, but legitimate issues. I was working preschool, getting good grades, and readying to become a Christian counselor with a degree in psychology.
I had gained a lot of weight when I got married, and when I transferred to San Jose State University (SJSU) I had lost nearly 80 pounds, and never earned a grade below an A- for my entire school career. I began questioning my political and spiritual beliefs around age 26 and the process haunted me through year 27. I had everything I "wanted," having done everything "right," and felt nothing but misery. I left my parents church, left my 'straight' sexuality, left my marriage, and left my sanity when I was 27. I lost my political understanding of the world, I lost my religious understanding of the world, but mostly, I lost my personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus. I am Jack's Broken Heart.
I graduated with high honors, and flew to meet Gwen. I was a size 0, suffering anxiety so severe that I could not fall asleep or stay asleep. My mother and I were not speaking. I had fallen in love with a woman. My marriage (obviously) suffered. I started a new job working at an elementary school with kids in Willow Glen. I started Graduate Studies at SJSU and had to take a leave in October because my husband was up crying every night, grieving our lost marriage. I would cry with him, and the guilt was enormous. My struggle with suicidal ideation was incredibly intense, and I nearly ended my life three times that year.
I moved out June 1st, age 28. The summer is a blur of drinking, drugging, and who knows what else. I thought I had a place to live for a year, but in fact, did not, and have since moved at least four times. I'm currently homeless. I began grad school again anyway. I overcame a drug addiction half way through the semester and started to apply myself to my studies. I barely passed on class, and got high B's in everything else. My grad school grades are the worst I've had in at least five years. I started talking to my parents again. I lost nearly all my friends.
I can be overwhelming. I can be too drunk, too needy, and too dependent. You probably should just stay away from me. But if you don't, you should know that I'm a very kind person, I'm pretty funny, and if I had to do anything to save anybody, no matter who they are, I would do it.
One day I will "get" where I could be, I will reach the potential that I have in me. I will remember who I met along the way, who helped me, and who didn't. I will understand why you did or didn't. I'm not about grudges, in fact, in the words of Adele: "like the meaner you treat me, more eager I am to persist in this heartbreak and runnin around" but I won't always be this way. Like I said, I'm a product of what made me. But I make me now. In the words of Incubus: "if you let them fuck you, there will be no foreplay." Life is nothing but a cold, hard, hustle. You never get something for nothing. And for me, unfortunately, you never really learn a lesson until you learn it. I have a lot of learning to do to make up for the life that I lived. I find myself learning quickly, and hope my street smarts will catch up to my book smarts eventually.
Until then, I bid you safe travels along your journey. Even after the turmoil and the pain unleashed from Pandora's Box, one thing remained: HOPE. Hope, indeed, is all that remained. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. A person can have faith, hope, and love. I have found my faith lost, I have found my hope sustained, and above all, I have found this to be true: the greatest of these is Love. In the words of Bradley: "Let the lovin, let the lovin, come back to me." Namasté.
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Aloha. I am the product of a home-schooled, right-wing conservative family, reared in isolation with my older brother and an assortment of pets, mostly cats. I attended grades 2-5, and was in independent studies through the San Jose Unified School District for grades 6-12. I made friends through my church youth group, including a best friend, Emma, who later married my brother, Jonathan. Jonathan and Emma reside with my parents to this day. I was able to engage socially for a period of time through my youth group from the age of ~ 14 to the age of ~ 15 when I was singled out by the pastor of our former church of nine years due to "political" reasons in which the senior pastors wanted my family to leave. my family decided to leave the church after my youth pastor called me personally to make me aware that my high school girl gossip was a "tool of satan."
I had my first panic attack when we left that church, and everything that finally felt like Home to me. I spent the majority of my adolescence hanging out with my brother, whom I have always shared a strained relationship with. When my brother and Emma became romantically involved I removed myself from my last relationship with a peer, and my best friend perhaps of all time, my beloved Emma. In my isolation I turned dark very quickly, and after so long, I was put in Christian therapy with a sweet man with very sincere, albeit Christian values. I was told I was loved by God, that I should pray, read the bible more, and of course, forgive. I did these things, and eventually decided I should have friends again, and enrolled myself at Central County Occupational Center (CCOC). I took Macintosh Business Communications. I made some friends fairly soon, and was the only person to cross every racial and "cliqual" barrier, because I have always loved people, regardless.
I went to my first party with friends for Superbowl Sunday of 1997. I had just turned seventeen. That day I met Victor. We became a couple July 4 of that year. He had clear braces. We dated until I was nineteen. I had to get married due to my religious beliefs and cultural tradition in my family. We broke up. I didn't eat for eleven days. I was married before I turned 21, to the neighbor boy down the street, Ferdinand. He was, and continues to be, a sweet and intelligent man who is a product of a life of his own. We were married to complicated circumstances for five years in which we engaged in a wonderful life, that felt more like roommates than lovers for a variety of tragic, but legitimate issues. I was working preschool, getting good grades, and readying to become a Christian counselor with a degree in psychology.
I had gained a lot of weight when I got married, and when I transferred to San Jose State University (SJSU) I had lost nearly 80 pounds, and never earned a grade below an A- for my entire school career. I began questioning my political and spiritual beliefs around age 26 and the process haunted me through year 27. I had everything I "wanted," having done everything "right," and felt nothing but misery. I left my parents church, left my 'straight' sexuality, left my marriage, and left my sanity when I was 27. I lost my political understanding of the world, I lost my religious understanding of the world, but mostly, I lost my personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus. I am Jack's Broken Heart.
I graduated with high honors, and flew to meet Gwen. I was a size 0, suffering anxiety so severe that I could not fall asleep or stay asleep. My mother and I were not speaking. I had fallen in love with a woman. My marriage (obviously) suffered. I started a new job working at an elementary school with kids in Willow Glen. I started Graduate Studies at SJSU and had to take a leave in October because my husband was up crying every night, grieving our lost marriage. I would cry with him, and the guilt was enormous. My struggle with suicidal ideation was incredibly intense, and I nearly ended my life three times that year.
I moved out June 1st, age 28. The summer is a blur of drinking, drugging, and who knows what else. I thought I had a place to live for a year, but in fact, did not, and have since moved at least four times. I'm currently homeless. I began grad school again anyway. I overcame a drug addiction half way through the semester and started to apply myself to my studies. I barely passed on class, and got high B's in everything else. My grad school grades are the worst I've had in at least five years. I started talking to my parents again. I lost nearly all my friends.
I can be overwhelming. I can be too drunk, too needy, and too dependent. You probably should just stay away from me. But if you don't, you should know that I'm a very kind person, I'm pretty funny, and if I had to do anything to save anybody, no matter who they are, I would do it.
One day I will "get" where I could be, I will reach the potential that I have in me. I will remember who I met along the way, who helped me, and who didn't. I will understand why you did or didn't. I'm not about grudges, in fact, in the words of Adele: "like the meaner you treat me, more eager I am to persist in this heartbreak and runnin around" but I won't always be this way. Like I said, I'm a product of what made me. But I make me now. In the words of Incubus: "if you let them fuck you, there will be no foreplay." Life is nothing but a cold, hard, hustle. You never get something for nothing. And for me, unfortunately, you never really learn a lesson until you learn it. I have a lot of learning to do to make up for the life that I lived. I find myself learning quickly, and hope my street smarts will catch up to my book smarts eventually.
Until then, I bid you safe travels along your journey. Even after the turmoil and the pain unleashed from Pandora's Box, one thing remained: HOPE. Hope, indeed, is all that remained. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. A person can have faith, hope, and love. I have found my faith lost, I have found my hope sustained, and above all, I have found this to be true: the greatest of these is Love. In the words of Bradley: "Let the lovin, let the lovin, come back to me." Namasté.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
