Posts
rain pours, i ponder....
somewhere between my 40 oz to freedom and this circular little pill lies the spirit of me. i've been officially homeless for over a week. let me tell you, if you ever wonder who your friends are, go ahead and become homeless. it's guarenfuckingteed to help you figure shit out. :)
it's okay, though. i've finally come to realize that the unfairness of life can be so unfair, and you still have to work hard if you want to succeed, anyway. not only work hard, but hustle. LIFE IS A COLD, HARD, HUSTLE. YOU NEVER GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. thank you james M. rice. had it right from the beginning. (as usual).
once the 30th hits i'm housesitting again. i have until the 13th to officially find a place. until then it's beg for housing on couches, beds, floors, VW buses, whatever i can get. many thanks, Red Stag for the WI-FI. and the bud light.
when i have four walls, a stove, a toilet, and my cat, i will smile in ease, finally. i think i'm working my third year of pain at this point. but 2010 started beautifully, and i have HOPE, real hope, that this year will be different.
just had to painfully clip away some loose '09 ends, that's all.
goodbye past, hello future.
-hb
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
para
she stands on the shoulders of generational trauma
knitted in the womb with genetics of fear.
she falls from the ladder of success
down five floors of pain.
and leaves a note,
don't blame my therapist-
i'm more than he can handle.
xo hb
wakes with a start
gasps for air
hope stills the incessant beating...
still here.
still here.
knitted in the womb with genetics of fear.
she falls from the ladder of success
down five floors of pain.
and leaves a note,
don't blame my therapist-
i'm more than he can handle.
xo hb
wakes with a start
gasps for air
hope stills the incessant beating...
still here.
still here.
Friday, January 7, 2011
when i'm alone in my room, sometimes i stare at the wall: my 30 odd years blog.
i have been wanting to write for a minute, but, i am what has been so eloquently described as a "lazy piece of shit." to which i retort, stop looking like a coked out bird, cunt.
:)
having gotten that out, happy birthday me! i am three decades seasoned, bitches! i've shared the last decade with my kitty, who is snoozing on my pink fleece blanket, and bob marley buzzes in my ears letting me know everything will be alright. and you know, i think he might be right. i certainly have no woman, which according to him shall prevent me many tears.
all facetiousness aside, i have been single for a few years now. i can't say i have really had a chance to settle in and develop and all that, because i've been so mobile. leaving my work over the summer, and all those friendships left in that wake. did a number on me, really.
and now a paragraphic tribute to jen. who will probably never read this. (: i love loving women who do not have the slightest idea. amanda was more of a rock for me than she can know, and she let me into a world of social relationships with amazing people. the stag facilitated our meeting, and that was a trickle down from the ginger, which started with a pollock, once the drunkest guy i've known. the stag also gifted me with shannon, and with kitty. of course it also cursed me with some unfortunate events, but such is life.
when i was 20 i never would have known i COULD be anything like the person i am at 30. it's fascinating. in some ways i think my development has been backwards. marrying young, being in a committed relationship for eight years, holidays with two families, being an auntie, all that.
now i exist, on the eve of graduation, my degree in spitting distance (i hope), and no idea what will happen between this age and the next. it feels good to be 30 with no addictions, and technically no debt. i want to own my 30s. i have to start figuring out where i will be for my next placement. i have to find an internship for next year.
i should line up a second job here, too. i'm sick of being a broke bitch. to everything, a season. i found an amazing online show called the pinky show. it's an extremely liberal, extremely awesome expression of marginalized ideas, peoples, and a fantastic compassionate work. and the kitty is really cute, and her eyes look like crescent moons a lot which reminds me of victor. who i have not seen in so long, i can't even call him my sancho right now. but we still share a moon, and his heart beats somewhere...
the past few months i've been starting to actually consider getting into a relationship again. i have not in any way actually put myself into situations where i could meet people that would be a good fit for me, but intellectually i am stirring around the concept. the unfortunate celibacy i have picked up is rather... allergic. but i'm fairly trained in that too, as it were. i'm a good lay, but a terrible slut. meh.
it's whatever. one thing at a time, one day at a time. my iphone got stolen while i was at a friends house. it was an interesting lesson. i like to think i'm on top of my shit, but i had a temporary lapse in judgment, and a lot of alcohol. tis unfortunate. but now i have a 4g so i'm grateful for upgrades.
finished my comp, hopefully it's good enough to get to the next level before i beat the Game. can't wait! this semesters' classes are ones i am really looking forward to, with teachers i truly respect immensely. not necessarily looking forward to the second comp, but at least now i have some idea of what (type of hell) to expect. it's just a day in my life, at the end of the day.
i love my clients, i dig my supervisor. my classmates overall, are cool, and for the worst, the best is also reflected. i have a hacking cough right now, but i haven't smoked cigs in ~ 6-7 months, so i've officially quit quit. my room is my own, my bed is uncomfortable as fuck, but my girl might hook me up with hers in a few months. my roommates are cool, my boys (cats) are cool. i try to talk to my family as often as i can take. my ankle is still swollen, and i haven't started working out again just yet. i can start working out at SJSU, though. i stand a chance.
there's always a fools hope.
for every problem-saturated story there is always an, "but what about the time you didn't?"
that's how i quit everything in the past. you turn a regular thing into a time when you didn't, and eventually you just don't anymore.
i was so exhausted through christmas and my bday trying to watch LOTR was a difficulty. I may or may not decide to rewatch them this year, as i fell asleep during parts of them. i shall reflect and reconsider.
it's going to be so fucking amazing when i have enough money to travel. i can barely stand the concept. i have no fear, am extremely personable, and only tend to get victimized by friends. what could possibly go wrong?!
do not be fooled by the cheery atmosphere of this blog, i have been positively miserable for well over a month, if not six months. but change, she is a comin. everybody keeps telling me it will get easier, it will get better, it will be worth it, just a little bit longer...
and all i have to say to that is:
that's what she said.
happy new year, errybody. xxo
:)
having gotten that out, happy birthday me! i am three decades seasoned, bitches! i've shared the last decade with my kitty, who is snoozing on my pink fleece blanket, and bob marley buzzes in my ears letting me know everything will be alright. and you know, i think he might be right. i certainly have no woman, which according to him shall prevent me many tears.
all facetiousness aside, i have been single for a few years now. i can't say i have really had a chance to settle in and develop and all that, because i've been so mobile. leaving my work over the summer, and all those friendships left in that wake. did a number on me, really.
and now a paragraphic tribute to jen. who will probably never read this. (: i love loving women who do not have the slightest idea. amanda was more of a rock for me than she can know, and she let me into a world of social relationships with amazing people. the stag facilitated our meeting, and that was a trickle down from the ginger, which started with a pollock, once the drunkest guy i've known. the stag also gifted me with shannon, and with kitty. of course it also cursed me with some unfortunate events, but such is life.
when i was 20 i never would have known i COULD be anything like the person i am at 30. it's fascinating. in some ways i think my development has been backwards. marrying young, being in a committed relationship for eight years, holidays with two families, being an auntie, all that.
now i exist, on the eve of graduation, my degree in spitting distance (i hope), and no idea what will happen between this age and the next. it feels good to be 30 with no addictions, and technically no debt. i want to own my 30s. i have to start figuring out where i will be for my next placement. i have to find an internship for next year.
i should line up a second job here, too. i'm sick of being a broke bitch. to everything, a season. i found an amazing online show called the pinky show. it's an extremely liberal, extremely awesome expression of marginalized ideas, peoples, and a fantastic compassionate work. and the kitty is really cute, and her eyes look like crescent moons a lot which reminds me of victor. who i have not seen in so long, i can't even call him my sancho right now. but we still share a moon, and his heart beats somewhere...
the past few months i've been starting to actually consider getting into a relationship again. i have not in any way actually put myself into situations where i could meet people that would be a good fit for me, but intellectually i am stirring around the concept. the unfortunate celibacy i have picked up is rather... allergic. but i'm fairly trained in that too, as it were. i'm a good lay, but a terrible slut. meh.
it's whatever. one thing at a time, one day at a time. my iphone got stolen while i was at a friends house. it was an interesting lesson. i like to think i'm on top of my shit, but i had a temporary lapse in judgment, and a lot of alcohol. tis unfortunate. but now i have a 4g so i'm grateful for upgrades.
finished my comp, hopefully it's good enough to get to the next level before i beat the Game. can't wait! this semesters' classes are ones i am really looking forward to, with teachers i truly respect immensely. not necessarily looking forward to the second comp, but at least now i have some idea of what (type of hell) to expect. it's just a day in my life, at the end of the day.
i love my clients, i dig my supervisor. my classmates overall, are cool, and for the worst, the best is also reflected. i have a hacking cough right now, but i haven't smoked cigs in ~ 6-7 months, so i've officially quit quit. my room is my own, my bed is uncomfortable as fuck, but my girl might hook me up with hers in a few months. my roommates are cool, my boys (cats) are cool. i try to talk to my family as often as i can take. my ankle is still swollen, and i haven't started working out again just yet. i can start working out at SJSU, though. i stand a chance.
there's always a fools hope.
for every problem-saturated story there is always an, "but what about the time you didn't?"
that's how i quit everything in the past. you turn a regular thing into a time when you didn't, and eventually you just don't anymore.
i was so exhausted through christmas and my bday trying to watch LOTR was a difficulty. I may or may not decide to rewatch them this year, as i fell asleep during parts of them. i shall reflect and reconsider.
it's going to be so fucking amazing when i have enough money to travel. i can barely stand the concept. i have no fear, am extremely personable, and only tend to get victimized by friends. what could possibly go wrong?!
do not be fooled by the cheery atmosphere of this blog, i have been positively miserable for well over a month, if not six months. but change, she is a comin. everybody keeps telling me it will get easier, it will get better, it will be worth it, just a little bit longer...
and all i have to say to that is:
that's what she said.
happy new year, errybody. xxo
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