the fight in me is all gone

Wednesday, February 04, 2009
9:24 am

the fight in me is all gone
Current mood: angsty
Category: Life

to separate or not to separate.

that is the question.

it haunts me everywhere i go and never, ever leaves.

it's so hard when you get married so young and are taught that marriage has nothing to do with feelings, that love is just a choice. that marriage is a "covenant" and to break it makes you a failure, and a douche.

my identity has taken such a hard hit over the last few years. i dropped a significant portion of weight, i dropped my religion, i gave up my "good girl" thing, i pursued drugs and experience, i stopped trying to impress anyone or be anything i'm not.

as i find myself somewhere in the "bi" range, i wonder how i could go from being bi pre-summer and then nearly a year later coming to the same conclusion. how could i have suffered so much for a piece of information that i seemingly already knew?

luckily yesterday in my first philosophy class since junior college days, we discussed the dialectic method. (this is going to be delicious.) in any given premise there are the seeds of it's contradiction.

in my case, the claim, "i am lesbian" contained bits that screamed "i'm not a lesbian." so if you get A and not A and combine the two, you get B. a product of the two. clearly, in my case, i went from A to maybe Z with it, but the end product of A2 is not the same sexual identity that i held last year, regardless of the label.

what does any of this have to do with separation?

i don't know what i want. i feel stuck between two lives, and that i'm not giving either life the full attention. i enjoy spending time with my husband, but when it comes to time for intimacy, i have to "check out." i don't think this is ideal. and why is it the case?

is it because i feel pulled in different directions and my heart is a monogous one? (could it be?) could it be that the uncertainty of where i will be sleeping in a few months becomes all too present in my mind so it is too much? possibly. could it be that i have officially fallen 'out of love' and no matter how much i respect, adore, and fucking dig this man that i just will never fantasize about him the way he does me. *wipes tear.*

and if that is the case, will separation bring it back? why can't i will it back? i wonder if it could have been different if i didn't have sexual dysfunction for so many years of our marriage. i wonder if it had been different if we'd not become like roommates so young in life. i wonder if it would be different if i'd been able to get more experience before getting married.

i don't know. i feel like i am a very sexual person, trapped in a situation where i cannot be... or i could be, but the appropriate place to express it doesn't fit... and i want it to, but when it comes down to it, i don't. mentally yes, physically no...

and being bi only complicates things more in this case than being gay does.

so, yeah. i don't know what to do. we are discussing me moving out in may to have some mental space, and i think it's the best decision most likely.

but the thought of not sleeping in the arms of a person who i trust heart and soul breaks my heart. he truly is my FAMILY. and i feel the strongest love for him. but then i feel like he could be so much happier with someone who felt for him, not only that type of love, but a love on fire. then i wonder if all relationships don't fizzle to some extent.

then i wonder if i'm just doing all this because i went fucking nuts last year. then i wonder if i'll ever be able to have a relationship with anyone, man or woman. then i wonder if i will forever regret letting my husband go if i do. then i wonder if i will forever regret not letting my husband go if i don't.

i tried flipping a coin, but it didn't satisfy me.

i don't know how to do this!


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