it's becoming something that's impossible to ignore...

uH oH, i want some more...

i just took a shower tonight, and a big spider climbed around the top of the shower. i watched her, and she eventually came down and touched the handle that i kept turning to make my shower nice and toasty. she went back up to the top as i was finishing up, and i thanked her for the visit. we all know i'm a cold atheist, but i have a soft spot for totems, for the purported 'animal inside of me' at a given time.

i also have a particular spot for spiders in general (though they make me scream like a much blonder, much skinnier girl) since tatting myself with the widow's mark.

so i look up some animal totem stuff on the spider. she represents creation. particularly written communication. she represents balance, nurturing, communication, creativity, divine inspiration. i'm welcoming her energy right now, and throughout the week as i knock out what will be the most important assignment of my life this far.

i'm so intimidated about my comp. it represents the sum of three years of attempting to prove myself as a MASTER while at the same time being told by those i have loved most that i am evil, that i am worthless, that i am deserving of worse than death- of eternal damnation...

that i can't be trusted with cash and so i am given gift cards so i can't buy drugs. (target sells liquor. i'm just saying.)

told i'm crazy. told i'm inappropriate. told i'm not worth it. told, whether directly or not, that avoiding the discomfort of knowing me is worth more than having me around.

told i'm worth getting drunk enough to not put up a fight to do things i'd rather not do. told i'm not going to make a competent clinician. told i'm not professional enough. told my "stimulant qualities" may interact with my therapeutic ability.

told i'm not psychologically ready to hear the correct criticism about my work. told
i'm not good enough to work with children. told i'm pitiable.

called psychologically beaten.
called a homewrecker.
called an addict.
called a masochist.
called a victim.
called one who "plays the victim."
called manipulative.

been broken.
been robbed.
been violated.
been victimized.
been poisoned.
been hit.
been choked.
been thrown down.
been threatened.
been slandered.
been abandoned.
moved more times that i'd like to count on my fingers this late at night.

passed every class.
built rapport with every client.
changed lives.
reconnected with many.
forgiven many.

-more than anything else-
i created for myself all that i could ever ask for:
a family.

dean, adrianna, debbie. bartenders at the stag. first people who began to see the hurt behind the glazed eyes under the hat. the bruises on the arms, and the death wish associated with a life not worth living.

said goodbye to my old WG crew. i had thought they were my family.
for my part, they were.

real friends walk in when others walk out.

or, to restate. when everyone walks out, family* remains.
*family often has nothing to do with blood.

tanya and angie. saw me through my homelessness.
and then, amanda.
amanda gave me a home and a set of friends.
kiko, donna, cliff, ultimately kim, grant.

and at the bar, shannon, tee, jason, robby. joe. marc. natalie. sherry. christel.
as time passed by, more and more people felt real to me in one way or another.

then kitty, danielle, rikki, marina, kiki. nate. don. bri. carlos. anjie.

the amount of quality human beings i have had the pleasure to interact with in one place is astounding. granted, certain people are much closer to me than others, but i have had so many opportunities to appreciate human greatness and potential at my local bar than i can exert.

and school provided me with some amazing people like renee and david from second years. rachel and angie these years. and now our new first years have provided me a new mind to discover and appreciate.

my internship provided me with george, my amazing supervisor.
beyond this, my lovely co-intern marisol, and the amazing lisa.
our bond has been amazing, and i cannot express my fondness for these amazing ladies quite effectively merely with words.

special shout-out to my moon, who's light illuminated a way for me through the darkest nights.

and last but never least, my dear internet family. gwen, ken, drew, laura, karen. sarah-beth. my sweet james.

we who have nothing, and most likely will til we all end up locked up in jails. by conservative christian, straight white republican males. ;)

here we go again. i kinda wanna be more than friends.

Lilo: 'Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

people question my loyalty to the stag. people wonder how i feel such intense love for a woman i've met a handful of times, talk to occasionally, and text regularly.
it's about family to me. it's about familiarity. it's about loyalty. self-sacrifice.

the bar that has charged my phone, given me free wifi, allowed me to meet some of the most amazing humans i can fathom- it deserves someone to snatch drinks taken outside- potentially pissing someone off. it deserves the back womens toilet to be plunged when dumb bitches are too lazy to hold down the handle...

loyalty. family. birthing relationships, nurturing them, and watching them grow.

growing with my clients.

victoria dickerson. to whom, i will owe my MS if indeed i achieve it.

my old man in his furry tux. this new one in the works..

and always, where i go i just don't know.

and i'm afraid i won't get out alive...
no i won't sleep tonight

so much human emotion. so much earth that needs to be honored. so many animals to bond with. so many children to make smile. so many elderly people to learn from. so many cultures to offer me richness. so many strangers to brighten my day.

what are you waiting for? take a bite of my heart tonight.

i will attack this paper with passion, and with hope. i will give it the best that i can give it based on my 30 years, and not alone. but with all the grace that has been given to me by so many great witnesses that surround me. who care about me.

it is by their stripes i am healing.

and i think the universe, circumstance, and my own more developed learning history that has been shaped into a format that looks for the positive and the safe, rather than the negative and the destructive.

those who knew me before are confused that i get better without returning to my former ways of thinking. those who know me now are surprised by my depth and my loyalty.

i find every day full of beauty, and information to learn. of people to understand. or to misunderstand.

and that's gotta just be part of it.

TO MY COMP. say prayers, write poems, make a joke about, think positively, say you can do it, or don't do anything at all.

there may be a time when i will give up rather than try my hardest to do what feels impossible...

but it is not this day. rather, not this week.

if you ask me i'm ready.

Natural History
E.B. White

The spider, dropping down from twig,
Unfolds a plan of her devising,
A thin premeditated rig
To use in rising.

And all that journey down through space,
In cool descent and loyal hearted,
She spins a ladder to the place
From where she started.

Thus I, gone forth as spiders do
In spider's web a truth discerning,
Attach one silken thread to you
For my returning.



i'll be back in full swing soon, friends. until then remember that i kinda wanna be more than friends.

uh oh, i want some more...

and i deserve it, i think i deserve it!

i remember when i lost my mind. there was something so pleasant about that place.

one of my friends is on the verge of spiritual awakening. spirit to me, is the emotive infusion weaved in the biology of human being. it seems as if she sees the world in a new way- or that, she is understanding the way the world works for the first time. i'd call it a feminist awakening but then people would begin stereotyping and being douchebags.

she is ten years my senior, beautiful, engaging, compassionate, hopeful. eager.

she's losing her mind.

and she's gaining her soul.

soul to me, is the collective organization of ideas, beliefs, values, ethics, memories, lyrics, paintings, jokes~ the creative and feeling part of the brain.
she is understanding privilege for the first time.
she is recognizing patriarchy, and its effects.
she is becoming aware of power differentials, and the abuse of them.
she is noticing the ways in which society invents myths about women, calls them truths, and then reinforces these 'truths.'
she has been made to feel guilty, small, subservient, voiceless.
she has been stifled, stunted, and disempowered.

she's fucking pissed.

watching her growth has been a pleasure. knowing that much of her cognitive awareness and mindset expansion is associated with me? my pride. she has taken to calling me her "life coach." and though some of you may question my abilities, i am actually quite astute when it comes to the lives of others... but more than that i have been privileged (see how that works) enough to understand the bullshit.

she is providing me with a wonderful opportunity to experiment with feminist therapy. well, my clients are definitely providing me that opportunity, but i can be more militant with her. naming injustices, validating worth, processing feelings, deconstructing thoughts. challenging standards, questioning discourses, opposing oppression.

what the hell do all those words even mean?

it means that undocumented migrant workers who live in horrible conditions to make money to send back to families living in crisis are disenfranchised PEOPLE. not illegal ALIENS. it means that breaking down the word illegal and combining it with a human being is actually quite disgusting if you think about it.

it means that the prison system is a nightmare. a racist, capitalist, backwards ass shithole.

it means that we are all in positions of power relative to other people. this power is constructed based on factors including socioeconomic status, gender, race, sexual orientation, age, and ability. with power comes privileges.

i did not appreciate the privilege a healthy body offered me until i broke my ankle. in my former conservative days i might have bitched about high costs of offering accessibility for people who are physically challenged. the utility and necessity of doors that open automatically, of elevators, and nearby parking spots became immediately salient.

an invisible reality suddenly became a very visible truth. privilege is often invisible to the privileged. and the more privilege, the more power. and unfortunately, those with the most power often are not interested in operations of social responsibility, compassion, and justice.

it has been a wonderful experience for me to watch my friend "get it" and begin to heal. what's cooler is that i did not have to convince her of anything, i merely pointed out specific actions that i saw as unjust and stated it. that situation began a dialogue about the roles in her life and the mounting distress she was experiencing. my primary 'intervention' would be reframing her words back to her in a way that was validating, rather than depreciating.

so when she said she 'lost it, went nuts, is crazy' etc. i told her she is a NORMAL woman who is having a natural reaction to unjust realities. it is amazing how powerful (heh) a reframe can be. it is amazing how courageous and brilliant this woman is. i hope her journey is rich with meaning, and that she finds some of her distress alleviated. i hope her family can adjust and ultimately benefit, even though it may take a while.

it's a trip that she finds such comfort in me. it's weird that i went through so much. it's awesome that i was able to channel some of my prior pain and suffering to aide someone else. and another therapist at that!

looking back, it would have been nice to have a little holly in my corner when all i needed was any kind word, as opposed to the prevailing discourse that called me crazy. it would have been nice to hear, "it's not you, baby. you're amazing. just the way you are."

maybe i'm crazy
maybe your crazy
maybe we're crazy
probably