zygotes are people. corporations are people. the poor are parasites... que?

i cannot say that i grew up in poverty. i cannot say that i grew up in wealth.

we enjoyed the occasional vacation. if i was sick i had medical coverage. i did not receive much preventative care, quality education, or receive proper nutritious care, but those issues i believe occurred not within the context of finances.

 i was taught that hard work meant getting ahead. i am familiar with the family on my moms' side. all immigrating from the middle east not many generations ago- all managing to move into homes, start businesses and do well- achieve the 'american dream.' in my family these benefits were clothed in a religious understanding as well, and right behavior and beliefs mixed with hard work and dedication guaranteed a ife without financial worry or toil.

 i've been working since i was 11. i baby-sat and with the money i earned bought a new comforter for my bed, a small TV, and other items for my room. I worked as a tanning salon bed cleaner at 15. i worked as a cashier at safeway at 18. i worked for a temp company when i was 19.

that's when i began community college, because i realized that education mattered, and something i personally valued, in a way that my family didn't quite understand. i took a job at round table pizza and worked through my general education units, having to take extra time to start in 'bonehead' math because i didn't learn so much from my primary education.

 i worked five years parttime as a preschool teacher from the age of 21 on. i racked up additional ECE units by doing so, figuring i didn't need them in the long term, but they were helping me pay the bills with my then-husband as we tried to establish a life together as a young couple in their 20s.

i transferred to a CA state school and took a job as an afterschool childcare provider out of an elementary school. dual incomes made life fairly comfortable for us, and we enjoyed health coverage, the occasional vacation, new clothes with changing seasons, and the privilege of buying gifts for our loved ones.

we had the privilege of paying our bills.

when i transitioned on to grad school i realized that my marriage wasn't working, and with my meager income, and my cat i sought a more authentic path.

 one of my favorite quotes regarding choices: my honest opinion and my friendly advice is this do it or do not do it you will regret both.
-Soren kierkegaard

 i have found that i can never regret the decisions i have made. i cannot. to cling to something for the desire of safety while knowing that you heart has grown cold enough to seek warmth elsewhere- it is not right! i am many things, but i am not that person.

 and now i sit on a stiff bed, my health coverage will end by the new year. the $100 odd cash i have is all that i have coming to me, other than a check from the temporary nanny job i had through october. that check will not help me enough to cover rent, cable, or my phone.

 i can't count how many resumes i have sent out, the pain that i feel in competing for jobs not using the master of science i have earned, but the 15 ECE units that i accrued in community college, or the knowledge that my friends who have lost everything to drugs in the past are now fairing better than me.

yes, that's a runon sentence but who the fuck cares about education?

 i can't even cook for my fucking grandparents for cash. lol.

 the third family i am looking to nanny for will let me know if i am going to get the position by the end of the week, or next week. i truly feel like i just need a tiny bit of footing so that i can lift myself out.

bootstraps alone aren't strong enough to pull me out of this. i have worked hard every day of my life. i have not taken handouts, i have never done things the easy way, or not been willing to sweat. since i graduated, i have done manual office labor, and folded little kid underwear and tolerated bullshit to get a little cash to buy food for me and my puppy.

 i know how to live off $20 groceries for a week, and ride a bike to pretty much wherever. but i can't manufacture rent, and i don't know what else i can do.

 yeah, i'm the fucking 99%, and it blows.

 i know i'm not the only one struggling, but it gets scary scraping by and now knowing when or if things will ever change. i don't want to always be a cynic. i don't want to hate students or regret my education. i just want to use what i was trained to do in a way that can provide me with enough money to live on. and right now, i don't even want that. i just want to get a steady job in childcare, because i feel like that's all i can do right now. and competing to be a nanny is really depressing.

 i got my teeth done on monday, and they scheduled me for a followup in three months. i agreed to it, but know inside i will most likely not keep the appointment. my insurance will be gone by then, and unless things change my healthcare will go back to being 'careful' and hope that eventually things will go my way enough that my basic necessities can be covered, and my drive to work rewarded enough to let me get by.