from myspace. i like it because i discuss losing a laptop. that one to viruses, not a pussy bitch. (:

what I got {51/50}'s BlogNew blog postthe start of a new semester; adventures in homelessness, and how i will never be the same. by Holly Beth (what I got {51/50}) on Myspace


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Feb 3, 2010
the start of a new semester; adventures in homelessness, and how i will never be the same.
Current mood:angsty
just as i came smashing into my first graduate semester; the same goes for semester two. i had way hoped that i'd be all settled in the room i decided to rent from the KGB, but as fate would have it, he turned out to be a creepy ass'd mother fucker. i got a storage facility filled with all my stuff. started my adventures in couch surfing. started drinking heavily. started smoking a lot of cigarettes. started getting depressed. by the end of the first week, it was feeling really heavy.

by a week and a half in i was officially on my own, and learning to hash it out on the mean streets. this is what you do when you are waiting until it's late to find a place to stay, or when you have to hustle guys who won't harm you, but will help you. when you have no where to go, but have to drink to not feel. this is what a five foot tall girl should do.

stop caring.
fuck them all, stop smiling. stop charming.
it doesn't matter.

go butch.
now is the time for beanies, a frown.
look men in the eye when they pass you on the street.
nod at them first.
small dogs are avoided if they appear crazy enough.

get your chain on.
wear a backpack.
swagger.
sing.

smoke.
not only does this show you don't care about cancer,
but a lit cigarette can be a weapon.

drink beer.
you can sip it slowly, and not get too drunk too fast.

know who you can trust and who you can't.
be ready to be alone or defend yourself at any point.

think about where your next shower will come from.
carry your cell phone charger with you at all times.

check your stuff, constantly.
keep your keys clipped to your backpack inside.
you wallet in your pocket.
phone in the front pocket.
lighter to the left.

listen to stevie ray sing about his best friend, and his life by the drop.
go see a play at state.
eat alone.
walk alone.
enjoy your company and know,
you have a shadow by your side, and that's fucking good enough.

go to places you know.
it will give you a sense of familiarity, almost a feeling of being home.
you have quickstop. cvs, the stag.
safeways are good places to use the restroom.
walk.
kills time, burns off those beer calories.

make out with a hot girl in the bathroom if you can.
particularly when it's with THAT girl. lol.

when the joy reaches you, look at the sky and smile.

know this is temporary.

appreciate every morning, because you survived another night.

know how to escape people's houses before they wake up,
and get a shower in at sjsu before school.
don't forget your hand towel and your bar of soap.

walk in the rain. that's what hoods are for.

eat once a day.
not like you have an appetite anyway.

don't freak out when you lose the last thing that made you connected to an old life: your computer.
chaos should be regarded as extremely good news!

appreciate your homies.
now you know who they are.

it took me three full days after i got to peterson's house to fully awaken from the nightmare of the last three weeks. i still haven't recovered. i'm addicted to showers, and to alcohol, and to cigarettes. but i'm moderating my drinking now.

i would have stopped a day sooner, but we had a crazy ass situation at work on monday when a fucking pit bull off the street came into the park and bit one of our kids. and me. (yup.) thank god i was wearing combat boots with a skirt. lol.

i pretty much rose to that challenge...

starting therapy again. thank god.

diggin my classes. got my first client. i'll meet her soon, no doubt.

so bloody much to do, though. it's ridiculous. and i'm so exhausted. i realized that once i had a moment to relax i have a shit load of grief to feel. spent the second night i was here on the tile sobbing for a good bit. made a call to my old hotline. hung up on the bitch for being a cunt. only me.

just started eating meals again. and tonight will be my second night in a row not getting drunk, and not smoking nearly as much. i will be able to quit again within the week, i'd imagine. today i got totally triggered during a lecture regarding childhood. this morning i lost it over the other thing. met with my teacher and took notes for a lecture i'll be giving. told her my story in brief. she was cool, and respected me by the end.

doesn't look like the living arrangement will be ideal. exactly why i've been saying tentatively, and as far as i know. never count unhatched chicks. EVER.

you are born alone and will die alone.

and unless someone is willing to die for you, don't cry for them.

i think i need a nap.